My dance company has been invited to compete in a talent show at the end of this month. Due to currently-unknown-if-they-exist-but-I’ll-be-careful-anyway confidentiality clauses, I’ll just refer to it as a nationally broadcast reality show loosely titled This Country Has Skills.

I’ve been trying to train to get back into supreme shape, but it’s so hard to have energy and motivation after a long day of dealing with bozos.

And cocktails are infinitely more fun than being on the treadmill.

I was at a mediation recently where the mediator asked the lawyers to recall what that our licenses remind us that as lawyers, we act as attorneys and counselors for our clients… or something to that effect. (also, it was not this mediator)

Counselor, fine, but therapist, I am not.

Religious adviser, I am not.

After a meeting the other day, my client told me he spotted opposing counsel at CVS.

“Um, OK,” I responded.

“He was buying…”, he dropped his voice to a whisper and hissed, “Condoms!”

“Well… he’s allowed to, you know.” I asked.

“I thought he was a good Catholic boy!” my client snapped.

“Ah. I am very sorry you had to see that. You’re right, he’s a terrible person.”

It’s easy to sequester myself from equality issues - after all, I stomp into court on a regular basis and speak as irreverently - to counsel, clients, coworkers - as I see the circumstances fit.

But every so often, I am reminded of the batshit crazy things that people genuinely believe in, say, and do.

The other day, my boss said that I needn’t be so defensive about feminism.  He continued to say something about being in a post gender/racial society where men see me as an equal and at this point I - admittedly, drunkenly - lost it. I don’t know what kind of high he was on, but I definitely want in.

We live in a society where I got in trouble in high school for wearing spaghetti strap tanks and tube tops, but I remember boys wearing these shirts:

When two girl friends decided to wear “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” shirts ironically, they were pulled aside by a teacher and were told that it was unladylike and disrespectful. For shame!!

[side note: what is so wrong with tank tops? are shoulders a no-no spot? forever a mystery]

Or how about a recent anecdote, where in the middle of telling my client about the pros and cons about settling, the mediator abruptly stopped, turned to me, and said, “You look just like a china doll. Such porcelain skin. My little china doll.” I mean, the air in the room got very still as I tried to figure out if I got sucked into a time machine in the last 10 seconds because 1) what the fuck year is this and 2) seriously, what the fuck just happened.

The world is still a ridiculous place.

What the good judge giveth, he taketh away!

I’ve been busy trying to settle That One Case, and it’s been a beast. A month and a half ago, Judge E GRANTED (!!!) my motion for summary judgment.

We were SO CLOSED to settling. But THEN, Dem Bitches (aka opposing counsel) requested that Judge E reconsider his ruling.

And. he. did. He vacated his 63 page order.

On top of that, at the hearing today, Judge E insinuated that I was lying for or on behalf of my client. In fact, he issued a minute order that says:

That is a most judicial way of saying, “Your client is a lying liar who lies from Lieville, USA.” That is so humiliating.

So please find me moping the rest of this weekend and experiencing the  stages of grief.

Denial.

Anger.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Happy Friday!

#1

• 10,000.00 
• 0,000.00

#2

• 41,000.00 
• 44,165.34
• 44,063.93
• 43,878.72
• 38,912.35
• 37,663.11
• 37,236.43
• 37,077.98
• 37,043.21
• 36,772.51
• 36,396.64 
  
• 36,375.15
• 34,247.37
• 32,171.42

#3

• 114,385.76
• 139,016.75
• 138,465.63
• 137,801.88
• 137,247.75
• 137,038.20
• 136,665.65
• 135,677.20
• 135,559.89
  
• 135,524.41
• 134,536.37
• 133,772.02 
  
• 133,702.86
• 132,224.31
• 127,462.86
  

#4

• 1,130.00
• 000.00

How does one end an opening statement?

• That’s it?
• Thank you?
• The end?
• And they lived happily ever after?

This is going to be a disaster.

More than likely I will end with, “And so… yeah.”

I was asked to give a presentation at a local middle school for their career day today. It was a little weird, because I’m still in the process of figuring out what my own career is. No one tells you these things in middle school - that you’ll always be trying to answer these big questions in life.

If you’ve been following this blog, you’d know this presentation could only end in one of two ways. I could have told everyone how much I love my job.

Or I could have collapsed into fetal position and sobbed hysterically for an hour.

I did not opt for the latter.

Today.

Anyway, I tried to explain copyrights, and how intellectual property is all around us. They were listening intently when I explained that singers and songwriters need lawyers to protect their work, but I couldn’t think of any examples they could relate to. The 5th Circuit case involving “Back that Ass up” is inappropriate, and no one knew who Vanilla Ice was. [One girl said, “Oh, I think I’ve heard that in a commercial?”]

Then someone asked how long my days were. I answered truthfully. That I put in near 11 hour days and I eat at my desk. I deal with difficult people and it’s not always rewarding. That it’s a lot of work and it’s not always worth it and I’m not the zillionaire that I thought I’d be by now.

I hope I inspired some lawyers-to-be today. Or made them change their minds into becoming doctors instead!

Wahhh. This is never not true.