It’s 1:45 and I’m in the middle of a show on Animal Planet called “Help! I’m Becoming a Cat Lady!”
It’s What Not to Wear (or Do, or Say) for dating cat ladies. No joke. This exists, people.
Tonight’s episode featured Gina, who has Blue, her “firstborn,” and Trinket. Gina is a “cat mommy” and keeps, like, 30 framed pictures of her cats in her living room. This freaks Alyson, Gina’s dating couch, the f out. Alyson, by the way, looks like season 1 Carrie Bradshaw.
The show follows Gina around as she tries to learn from Alyson. Alyson’s dating tips are both unconventional and… terrible.
Cat lady dating tip #1: Be the damsel in distress! Hassle meatheads at the gym. Ask them how to lift weights. Don’t actually use the machine, because that will make you sweaty, and thus, unattractive. Instead, flounce around the floor and smile at all the men. Smiles! Lots of them! So many men at the gym!
Cat lady dating tip #2: Draw attention to your decolletage. Because that is classier than flashing them tittays. Work them ho-heels, too.
CLDT #3: Do not tie your hair up in a ponytail. What are you, a prison guard?
CLDT #4: Don’t order water on a first date. It is the “KISS OF DEATH” (Alyson’s words! Truly extraordinary advice from a dating coach). Alyson does not tell Gina what she actually should order. She’s probably thinking of Patron shots. It’s probably best to be shitfaced on a first date if you’re a self labeled cat lady, anyway.
CLDT #5: Troll a car wash. A CAR WASH. Because “men like cars and they like to keep them clean.” (It is later revealed that Gina “practices flirting” at the car wash every Tuesday. Which could really be code for Gina works the corner across the Drive Thru Wash. Who knows. And why Tuesday? Are there certain days bachelors prefer to wash their cars?)
CLDT #6: Highlight your hair. Men don’t women with uni color hair. They just don’t. It’s science.
CLDT #7: If you go on a blind date set up by Animal Planet and your date’s excuse for being boring as all hell is that he had been “working all week” and was up until 3AM, don’t be offended! Don’t be offended that the network could not find a single eligible man to stay awake for 2 hours. You’re a cat lady! You should be thankful the guy is even letting you sit at the same table!
All in all, clearly a very educational show.
Annndddd, good night!